There are no good or bad versions of ourselves, just who we are. you’re never going to come knock on my door with a ring and a smile and an open heart. and there’s no reason for me to go on being someone who loves you. there’s no reason for me to bite my tongue when you are a drain on this society and a drain on this Earth. you’re just one more man using women and watching women die and laughing at women’s pain and I wish I’d never let you touch me.
Yeah I’m thinking sleep soon would be good.
The great thing about having nothing with you is I have nothing to lose. So I can say whatever the fuck I want to you, can’t I?
Sure I want to fuck Ewan McCregor. Who the fuck doesn’t want to fuck Ewan McCregor?
You’re not fucking me or anywhere near about to, I don’t see why the fuck you care.
I’m just-I mean it’s my fault, too, that I’m not ready…but I’m NOT and-not for YOU I mean, but for–I’m applying to grad schools now and I don’t know if I’m ever going to see you again, and I’m just not READY for any of the ones in TENN and I won’t be till I’m done with my Master’s. but that’s-I want to go HOME, I hate that I’m that far away from home, from being home and-you’re going to get sick of me and-Christian! I fucked up, okay? I fucked up.
I change how I treat you when I find out new information.
which okay. in the ideal world I would react purely to my instincts and intuition and body. but I have judgments and assumptions and sexist and racist and ethnocentric conditioning. so I need-at least some information, to go on. to back up my own feelings about you. because it does get really confusing. to try to figure out how I feel about you. when it was years ago the last time we were together and it was such a difficult time in my life and when the only times I’ve seen you recently there have been so many other people around. I’m just-not strong enough yet to suss out how I feel about you from how I feel about all those other things.
Could we live in Nashville? Is that an option?
I could SO live in Nashville.
not in a ‘I’ve seen the tv show ergo I know what Nashville’s like’ kinda way. I was in Tennessee a few years ago and flew out of Nashville airport and the land. JUST.
plus I had this fantasy about us living in Nashville.
we could totally live in Nashville.
decided I only support abortion if it’s the result of rape or coerced sex.
I think there’s such a thing as everyday magic. the kind of healing people do for each other. soothing, rubbing each others’ backs, taking care of a neighbor’s kids or dogs during a crisis. being there. showing up.
not like doctoring. like-caring. the kind of magic that comes from caring. ‘n getting involved.