I’m just-I mean it’s my fault, too, that I’m not ready…but I’m NOT and-not for YOU I mean, but for–I’m applying to grad schools now and I don’t know if I’m ever going to see you again, and I’m just not READY for any of the ones in TENN and I won’t be till I’m done with my Master’s. but that’s-I want to go HOME, I hate that I’m that far away from home, from being home and-you’re going to get sick of me and-Christian! I fucked up, okay? I fucked up.
I change how I treat you when I find out new information.
which okay. in the ideal world I would react purely to my instincts and intuition and body. but I have judgments and assumptions and sexist and racist and ethnocentric conditioning. so I need-at least some information, to go on. to back up my own feelings about you. because it does get really confusing. to try to figure out how I feel about you. when it was years ago the last time we were together and it was such a difficult time in my life and when the only times I’ve seen you recently there have been so many other people around. I’m just-not strong enough yet to suss out how I feel about you from how I feel about all those other things.
Could we live in Nashville? Is that an option?
I could SO live in Nashville.
not in a ‘I’ve seen the tv show ergo I know what Nashville’s like’ kinda way. I was in Tennessee a few years ago and flew out of Nashville airport and the land. JUST.
plus I had this fantasy about us living in Nashville.
we could totally live in Nashville.
decided I only support abortion if it’s the result of rape or coerced sex.
I think there’s such a thing as everyday magic. the kind of healing people do for each other. soothing, rubbing each others’ backs, taking care of a neighbor’s kids or dogs during a crisis. being there. showing up.
not like doctoring. like-caring. the kind of magic that comes from caring. ‘n getting involved.
there is NOT going to be a quiz later. I just want you to get back to me asap ‘n I figure these might help.
OH. Okay. so that ‘flee’ thing is going off in my brain again. except I don’t know WHY.
but-I’m going to try something new.
I feel the urge to get very far away from you right now. I don’t think you’re doing something wrong or hurtful to me. but my brain thinks I need to get away from you. so I am going to do this thing I used to do as a strategy, and give in to this particular urge but do so in a fully conscious and informed way.
so I am going to detach for a little while. do not be alarmed! I just need to figure out what the HELL this is all about.
Yes well you are going to have to get used to having me around to rub your shoulders and massage your back and light candles and make smoothies in the morning and do other girl things.
you deserve to feel loved. and to BE loved. not because of anything you’ve ever done. just because you exist. and you’re totally wonderful. wonderful people deserve love.